Three of the world’s most notorious dictators have issued a collective comment criticizing the Democrats’ disastrous showing at last night’s Iowa caucuses, in which systematic failure across the board is still preventing the release of official numbers.
The statement was a rare show of unity among Kim Jong-Un, Bashir Al-Assad, and Nicolas Maduro, all of whom are notorious for rigging elections but rarely admit it publicly.
“We stand together in our shock and disbelief at the incompetence of a major American political party to rig a simple caucus vote,” the statement, issued through the leaders’ three respective propaganda agencies, read.
It continued: “Much of the world looks to America as an example of electoral prudence and technological knowhow, and the abject failure of the Democrats to even act like the process was legitimate hurts vote-riggers everywhere.”
The Democrats Iowa debacle dominated the news cycle throughout the evening and well into the following day, with the Sanders and Biden camps questioning the legitimacy of the outcome. The incompetence was such that not even liberal toe-licker Chris Matthews could deny the fact that his party sucks at literally everything.
Reached by telephone North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un reiterated his frustration. “Holy shit they stupid. I know about rigging elections, and you at least try to hide the fact that the winner is predetermined,” he said. “I need them to win, too. Donald Trump not nice man!”
Venezuelan Maduro also commented further, stating through a translator: “In all my years of rigging elections I’ve never seen such a piss poor performance. We used to admire the Democrats, but they have become the Cleveland Browns of duping the populace.”
The statement and their comments have made headlines as criticizing the party they all badly want to win in November seems an odd strategy.
“I’m sorry,” said Assad from Syria. “It may not be smart to criticize the Dems but shit man, if you can’t rig a simple caucus how can you hope to rig the general? It’s amateur hour in Des Moines with only months til the election . . . I would call the Dems a dumpster fire but I don’t want to speak badly of burning trash.”